"Culture Shock After Experiencing Motels": North Korean Defector Women Reveal the Reality of Sexual Culture in the North

BBC News Korea Sheds Light on North Korea’s Sexual Norms
Lack of Sex Education... Contraception Falls to Women
Mountains, Barns, and Warehouses Instead of Motels

Detailed testimonies reveal that the absence of comprehensive sex education and deeply rooted patriarchal authoritarianism in North Korean society have forced women into physically and psychologically one-sided and oppressive sexual cultures. Testimonies also indicate that the responsibility for contraception is effectively placed solely on women, and that even private spaces for couples to be together are so scarce that they often had to seek out mountains, barns, or warehouses.

Performers of the North Korean Wangjaesan Art Troupe. The photo is unrelated to the specific content of the article. Photo by Yonhap News Agency

A recently released video on the YouTube channel "BBC News Korea" features North Korean defectors sharing specific details about sexual perceptions and dating culture in the North.

They unanimously stated that opportunities to receive sex education in North Korea were extremely limited. A female defector in her 60s said, "I didn’t even know about ovulation," and added, "I used to think I could get pregnant just by holding hands." Another defector testified that she first learned words like sexual desire or orgasm only after arriving in South Korea.

Contraception as Women’s Burden: One Condom Cost as Much as Four Meals

Testimonies continued that contraception was also the sole responsibility of women. According to the explanations of these defectors, one of the relatively common contraceptive methods used at the time was the so-called “ring,” an intrauterine device (IUD). These rings, which came in from China, were purchased at the jangmadang (marketplace) and inserted at hospitals. However, some women testified that they suffered side effects—including bleeding or lower back pain—after using the device.

Although condoms began to be used in North Korea in the 2010s, their high price became a burden. A defector in her 20s said she used to secretly sell condoms at the jangmadang, but explained, "One condom cost as much as four meals," so men were unwilling to use them.

Moranbong Band of North Korea. The photo is unrelated to the specific content of the article. Photo by Korean Central TV Yonhap News.

This repeated pattern, where women had to find contraception methods on their own, was confirmed in their testimonies. The defector in her 60s said she rarely heard of men taking responsibility for contraception, stating, “It was always the woman’s job, no exceptions.”

Seeking Out Mountains and Barns Instead of Motels

Testimonies also revealed a lack of private spaces for couples to be together. North Korean defectors explained that, as there were virtually no accommodations similar to motels in South Korea, couples would often go to mountains, barns, or warehouses to avoid the gaze of others. Some even had to bring their own sheet to lay down on the dirt floor. One defector recalled, “Either we put something down on the dirt floor, or we just stood up,” adding that the man did nothing and the woman had to prepare everything.

Some women also spoke about the cultural shock of encountering motels for the first time after settling in South Korea. One defector said that for several years she didn’t even know what a motel was, and was surprised by how clean and convenient they were when she finally visited one. For her, a motel meant more than just a space for sexual relationships; it was one of the first places where she experienced feelings of being cared for and respected by her partner.

"I Never Actually Wanted Sex": Changing Meaning of ‘Relationship’

One female defector stated that she never engaged in sexual relations in North Korea out of her own desire, but rather accepted it as the duty of a married woman whenever her husband wanted it.

Other women explained that even when their husbands came home drunk or when they themselves were menstruating, it was hard to refuse if their husbands wanted sex. The idea of a woman expressing her own sexual desire was almost unthinkable, and gestures of physical affection or post-coital conversations were unfamiliar cultural experiences.

Even regarding domestic violence and infidelity within marriage, there was a strong expectation for women to endure. Some testified that, even after being abused by their husbands, they believed they had to be patient and serve their husbands as wives and mothers of their children. Regarding infidelity, defectors reported a prevailing attitude of “that’s just how it is” when it came to husbands having extramarital affairs.

North Korean cheering squad. The photo is unrelated to the specific content of the article. Photo by Getty Images Korea

Women who escaped North Korea and settled in South Korea say that their entire perspective on their bodies and relationships has since changed. Choosing underwear and cosmetics suitable for themselves, or even picking out the drink they wanted at a café—all of these ordinary decisions were unfamiliar experiences in North Korea. They also testified that, for the first time in their lives, their partners would ask about their feelings or physical condition and treat them considerately in romantic relationships.

"First Time Feeling Loved in South Korea"

One defector said that, after experiencing respectful relationships in South Korea, she realized for the first time what it felt like to be loved. At the same time, she confessed to feeling sorrowful about her past self, who had lived in ignorance in North Korea.

The BBC has highlighted these testimonies not merely as differences in dating culture between North and South Korea, but as a matter of “women’s right to self-determination”—whether women have had the opportunity to question and make choices about their own bodies and desires.

One defector said, “If I could be born again, I would want to be born in South Korea,” expressing her wish to date confidently from the beginning and live in control of her own body.

This content was produced with the assistance of AI translation services.